A very private moment brought that thought. Then came the need for movement. To get away. Run. Hide. Find somewhere quiet to be alone – with that thought. Would a feeling come with the thought if she gave it enough time? If she wanted it badly enough?
But Tini knew what that thought was, where the need came from. The very rare moment when she was alone in her physical, real world, as well as in her head. That’s where it came from.
The aloneness that came with the crowded-in walls of people and things, the words that hammered and scratched and never left a mind a moment of peace, the ‘look’ people gave her when she raised her head to see beyond her feet. That’s where it came from.
Never alone. Never free. Never more than an obligation. The bare moment when she had a thought she could call her own, and no privacy to indulge it, to caress it, to feel it against her soul.
If her useless body, her wordless tongue, her blinded eyes that still felt the crush of closeness – if Tini could overcome even one of those things, she could keep her own thought. It wouldn’t wander away like the smell of the ocean that came from the tap, or the cry of a bird so free it was unafraid to call her. If she could . . .
If wishes were . . . Tini couldn’t remember the rest of it, but she’d heard it so many times. If they had the chance to be granted a wish, and only one wish, what would it be?
The ‘get rid of her’ wish?
The ‘get her well’ wish?
The ‘get free of her’ wish?
One thought, one free thought in Tini’s head – now fading, of course – and she dreamed of release, of letting go, of being no more than a memory; of not being the crutch or load or weight of burden.
If only someone would take the time to find a way into her neural paths, if only someone believed she had a chance, if only . . .
Another dream. A dream. One word, one stray thought – and she dreamed again.
What did she do to deserve this? Why couldn’t she remember more than a few minutes of her scrabble through the sphere of life? Why was she here?
If it was to be a lesson – for someone else – it wasn’t fair! Not fair! Not! Not! Not!
Darkness came and dazed the blaze of red as seen through the closed eyelids. Had she been looking at the Sun?
The thought she’d felt for that moment settled into the garbage chute. The world of all thoughts stilled like a stagnant lake. Tini wanted to cry but she had no capacity for that, either.
Copyright Rosey Brimson 2017.